There are two things I can always count on when I am in a cafe trying to do work:

1. I forgot my computer charger
2. I will have to pee but have nobody to watch my stuff

All in all I am a useless human being and trying to get anything done is futile

I’m interrupting my study abroad hiatus to introduce you guys to Kareem, an abandoned kitten I picked up off the side of the road in Amman

Grief is a tricky thing. It’s a constant in my life right now. It will always be with me. I lost my horses. I know that’s a hard concept for a lot of people to comprehend; the loss of an animal seems distressing but not shattering to many people. I’ve heard it likened to losing a dog many times, and I know when it is Harley’s time to go, I will be wrecked. But it’s not the same bond, and it’s not the same loss, and it’s not really something I want to dwell on explaining to someone who has never felt that connection. Trying to explain it to someone who will never know the type of understanding between a girl and her horse makes is so difficult, and at the end they never truly comprehend the gravity of the loss. So while I appreciate the sympathy and condolences, the comparisons and the attempts at empathy miss the mark for me. You don’t know this feeling, if you haven’t lost a horse. You may know grief,  and you may know grief intimately in a way that I will never understand, but you will never know my grief if you have not lost your pony.

I read a thread on COTH a while back about someone who lost their heart horse, and a line in there stuck with me: I thought I fell in love with the sport, but it turns out I fell in love with the horse. Those words resonate within me, and I desperately wish they didn’t, because when I lost Rush I lost the sport, and when I lost Willie I lost the only thing connecting me to that world and there’s nothing left there now for me. I don’t enjoy riding the way I used to, and I don’t enjoy horses the way I used to, which is a two-fold loss for me, because that is what the horse world is for. It is for saving you in your darkest moments and giving you a stability that might be lacking in your life elsewhere, for giving you an escape from the sadness and the anger and the bad, for letting you experience love and joy and happiness even when everything else is dark and bleary. But the horse world can’t so that for me anymore because all it holds are the bittersweet memories and the empty dreams that will never be fulfilled. So I grieve for my lost family, but also for the loss of a home that will never again be home to me.


I leave tomorrow morning for my study abroad in Jordan. I’ll have internet access over there, but the speed is not reliable and tumblr will probably not be a priority. I’ll be back in December, see you guys then!


Im going to have to spam you guys because i have too many photos i want to edit x’D





just had a really kind of disheartening talk with my mom about current events. it’s kind of hard to realize that your progressive parents really aren’t so progressive after all..